London Is Kicking My Ass

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London is kind of kicking my ass and last night, it literally kicked my ass.  While walking home on a high street in Hyde Park a man bodychecked me and then yelled “I AM GOD” as I fell to the ground.

Thankfully I was with a friend because I can only imagine how embarrassed and scared I would have felt if I was alone. He is pretty sure that the guy who knocked me down was on drugs, so it wasn’t personal, but it is definitely symbolic of my experience in London thus far.

When I came over in November I was beyond lucky to stay with friends until I got on my feet. Unfortunately, I didn’t really get on my feet and when I flew home for Christmas I felt as if I had failed. I hadn’t secured a place to live or taken any significant steps in the job hunt.

At the moment, I am staying in a long term type apartment. Apartment is a generous word, it’s a room with a bed, couch, and kitchenette. The flat search has been tough because I am battling a few criteria that are proving tough to meet.

  • I am unemployed, which means I will need to put out 3+ months of rent up front.
  • Budget (yes, what they say is true, London is expensive)
  • Pet-friendly (Meyer came back with me after the holidays)
  • A short-term lease (I can’t sign anything more than 6 months bc of my tourist visa)
  • Location (my only requirement is a part of town where I won’t be afraid to walk home at night)

But the biggest restriction I have run into is my own ego and fear.

EGO. My ego has been talking a little too loudly when I look at a flat. One of the reasons I decided to move was to shed the materialism and false idols of “success” in my life. I think both of these feed your ego and inhibit growth. Ridding my life of materialism has been easy. I find freedom in knowing that everything I own can fit into 4 bags. I think that many people believe your home is a reflection of you and your success in life. I have always been a bit of a nester. I like to make my home and comfortable and welcoming place where I can gather with friends.

I think that many people believe your home is a reflection of you and your success in life. I have always been a bit of a nester. I like to make my home and comfortable and welcoming place where I can gather with friends. Problem is that life in London, at this point, is not conducive to my previous ideas of how I create a home. I need to lower my standards and accept that the only thing I need right now is a roof over my head, in a safe place, that allows me to chase the experience and adventure that I came to London for.

FEAR. This kind of goes without saying, but I am just a little bit terrified of how this experience will turn out. The fear of failure is overwhelming. If I find a flat, sign a lease, then this is real and if it is real, the chance that I fail is real. The fear is silent and sometimes invisible, but it is clearly holding me back.

What I need more of is faith. I need more faith in myself that I will find a way to overcome any obstacle. Faith that there is no failure in this experience because having the experience is the success in itself. Faith to remind myself that every time I fall down (literally and figuratively), I always get back up.

 

 

4 Comments on London Is Kicking My Ass

  1. Molly
    January 31, 2017 at 11:22 pm (10 months ago)

    I think what you are doing is very brave! Fear lies in our imagination and tries to stop us in our tracks and trick us into thinking we “can’t” so we will revert back to our old selves. Change is healthy and motivating and exciting! Have faith in yourself because you are a strong resilient imaginative go getter who is taking on a giant paradigm shift!! Whenever I’m faced with opposition- I know that I’m almost ready to break through to my goal! Put your best face forward and keep taking steps. You are rocking this!

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  2. Jennifer
    February 1, 2017 at 12:42 am (10 months ago)

    Thank you for sharing how it’s going. You my dear have always been self aware and that is your strength. As my uncle Johnny would say…my dear you have all you need inside you….all the riches in the world…rubies and diamonds emeralds…nothing else has greater value. Wishing you a calm spirit amid the uncertainty.

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  3. Kathy
    February 1, 2017 at 1:36 am (10 months ago)

    I think you need to re-read what you wrote last August: The point of this chapter in my book is not to succeed, but to try.

    I may never find a job. I may run out of money. I may get kicked out of the country. It doesn’t matter what happens because at the end of this chapter, I did it. I went on the adventure. The experience is more valuable than the dollars in my savings account, the break in my resume or the fear of failure.

    You have an achievement you can be proud of — what you are doing is what others dream of but are afraid to pursue.

    Reply
  4. Ty
    February 1, 2017 at 1:47 am (10 months ago)

    I don’t often comment on things but your post made me think. First off, you rock. Your adventure is something many people dream of doing but never have the guts. In my mind that is success. Secondly, I find it interesting that fear is something still strongly in front of you. You overcame a fear most people in the world will never approach. The fear to leave what is comfortable and safe to explore something foreign (both literally and figuratively). In my mind, no matter what happens you need peace of mind that you put yourself out there to see what happens. Life is just one adventure after another and the only true failure is not recognizing it.

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